Forgiveness is hard. It can be easy enough to say the words “I forgive you,” but truly meaning it and living it out can be a challenge.
It’s clearly something that Jesus thinks is important in how we build relationships and, especially, how we reconcile broken ones. In the stories, it does seem to come so easily to Jesus and he makes it sound so simple, even in how often we might need to forgive. Remember how he responds to Peter asking how many times we need to forgive? He says “seventy times seven times,” or bible speak for pretty much as many times as it takes.
I wonder if that’s a true representation of how Jesus really handles forgiveness, or just the storyteller’s way of reinforcing Jesus’ nature as the perfect “Son of God,” something we’re never going to be.
But what would be the point of Jesus talking about forgiveness, showing us how important and meaningful it is, if he didn’t think we could do it? I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it, Jesus doesn’t have expectations for us or demand perfection. Jesus knows you’re perfectly you, just as you are, and there’s only one of you, so that’s enough. Jesus knows that we’re created “good,” like all living things, but also knows that this is something with which we’ll struggle. He also knows it’s something that’s part of that life-giving nature that moves us forward and builds - or re-builds - relationships.
When it comes to forgiveness, you have to allow yourself a little grace.
I don’t think that grace and forgiveness are the same thing, by the way. Grace, in a spiritual sense, is proactive. It’s going into the world with an open heart and mind, with love and compassion, and embracing life as it happens. It offers space for relationships to happen. Forgiveness is reactive. Something causes hurt or brokenness, especially of a relationship, and forgiveness is offered in response to it.
I think that’s where we can get tripped up by forgiveness. It’s offered in response to the hurt, not the baggage we weigh it down with. It should be unconditional and yet, we attach conditions. We expect an apology. We expect retribution. We expect compensation. We expect an ironclad guarantee that it, or anything like it, will not happen again. And we expect all that before we forgive.
But forgiveness is about you, the forgiver, not the person, persons or world that hurt you. It’s about grieving the hurt - that should be the hardest part - and letting go of the anger, the bitterness, the need to blame, the hate and the fear, and the expectations of what you’re owed in order for forgiveness to happen. It’s about you letting go of the things that will hold you back from moving forward and living again after the hurt. Those other things, those conditions, will chain you down, build walls around you, imprison you and keep you from reconciling the relationship that’s been broken. Forgiveness breaks the chains and opens doors to a new relationship.
Let’s be clear, though: just because forgiveness isn’t about those other things doesn’t mean some of them might not be necessary. Forgiveness isn’t about saying it’s okay, excusing it, or allowing it. Injustice must be challenged, abuse must be stopped, truth must be spoken to power and hurts healed. Things need to change. So don’t “forgive and forget.” Forgive and remember. Remember you forgave, and why, and remember what needs to be challenged, addressed and healed.
That’s where you need grace again, and a little understanding. In this world, “unconditional” anything is hard. But Jesus knows that, just as God does. Being you is enough, the you that can go into the world with grace and offer forgiveness.
